I've been trying to decide what my first real post should be about, and I think I've come up with a plan. My Grandma Bloom passed away yesterday, and I've been thinking a lot today about why I don't make more time for my family. They all, obviously, mean so very much to me, but it seems as though I see them only on holidays or special occasions. I'm constantly thinking to myself, "I should go see so-and-so tomorrow," but I seldom, if ever, do.
Now, I've known some people to say "They know where I live, too," but this doesn't apply to me, as I pretty much constantly have an embarrassingly dirty house, so I don't really relish the idea of visitors unless I've had at least a few hours to clean up. So, really, the responsibility lies with me. Most of my relatives live within a few hours drive of my hometown, and many live within a few miles, and yet I never seem to have the time to visit them. In fact, I see more of my family at work than anywhere else, which is truly sad, considering I certainly don't have time to catch up there.
Anyway, I've been doing a lot of soul searching today, trying to figure out why I don't just make the time to see the ones I love, and what I've come up with so far is after the jump.
#1. I'm actually a fairly socially awkward person. Oh, I'm great at casual conversation for a little while, but if someone is talking about something boring, I simply cannot stay focused. No matter how hard I try, I get right into the smile and nod phase, and it's like pulling teeth to get out of it. Also, I hate questions like "When are you guys gonna have kids?" We're working on it, okay? But you can't get all snappy with family, they only ask because they love you and would adore any offspring you produce, right?
#2. I have low self-esteem and a high need for privacy. I don't ever believe I meet people's expectations. I have a hard time visiting my paternal grandparents, because I've so often heard "Why did you quit college? You're so smart, you're better than that." Yeah, I know, but I have my reasons, and if I explain them to you, I'll feel I have to validate my entire life. My choices, good or bad, are my own, as is my life, and I get very defensive very quickly when people are critical. I know this is something that I need to work on.
#3. I have no kids and no life, really. Therefore, even when I make it through the question and answer phase without bursting into tears or chewing off the insides of my cheeks, I feel like I have nothing to offer to the conversation. Also, I suck at coming up with questions about most people, because the trivialities of life are fairly boring, so I'm not very good at asking questions, either. (See the smile-and-nod in #1.)
#4. As I was typing these reasons, I came to a bit of a conclusion. I am a coward. I don't go see people because then I have to be interested in them. If I'm not interested in people, then they can't hurt me. If no one really knows me, they can't use anything against me. I honestly think I may just be afraid to bare my heart and soul to people. If I just sit here on my couch, in my house, and never have visitors, or go visit folks, then I can be me without anyone else telling me I should be someone else or do something else. Trust me, I do enough criticizing of myself already.
What it really boils down to is this. I don't know if I'm going to change my ways or not; that's not what this is about, really. But I do have a better understanding of why I am the way I am, and I hope you guys do, too. I will take from this the knowledge that I need not be perfect to be loved, and that I can love all of you without needing to be who I think you want me to be.
--Mo
PS. My Grandma Bloom never, ever made me feel this way. From the day I met her (I was around three or four, I think), she made me feel like I was one of the family, and even after Mom and Dad divorced, she still treated me exactly the same. She was a woman with more love and acceptance than she could ever give away, and she will be sorely missed in this world. I love you, Grandma Bloom.
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